please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
3 2 1 whiskey
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
