haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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