he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
