one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
