Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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