dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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