its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
