Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Randomize
