and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
