i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
