Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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