I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
