I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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