Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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