Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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