got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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