Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
