God, you're like boner-b-gone
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Randomize
