I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I just want nice things and good sex
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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