Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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