Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
