Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
