I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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