he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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