4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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