I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
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