Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
