She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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