Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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