At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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