woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
