I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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