that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
