Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
