I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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