My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
