my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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