that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
