you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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