This house was built for laser tag.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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