Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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