Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
