my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
