if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
