I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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