this beer tastes like vomit already
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
