I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
