He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
