Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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