Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
